self-love

The Pharmacy of self-love

In the mediated age of technology where so many signals and networks compete for our attention, we still own the world’s first and most advanced pharmacy: our brain.

Pharmacy of Love

One chronic problem we face as modern living mammalians may be our chronic perception of situations as threatening that are not. Raised cortisol levels due to chronic fear lead to depression by draining various neurotransmitters that play vital roles in our ability to experience life with joy. 


In many of our daily experiences, we trade resources like time and money for services that we expect to be of high quality. Trading is a form of exchange that also takes place in our body’s most advanced organ as it produces different chemicals in response to what we provide it with and how we interpret the world. We give more credit to external circumstances than we do to the impact of our continual interaction with our own brain through self-criticism or self-kindness.


Kindness directed at own self is not a New Age concept!


As mammals, we are our own healers when we soothe our own pain by the mere touch of care. Our built-in caregiving pharmacy starts its operation by triggering our hormonal system to release oxytocin. It has been titled by researchers the “hormone of love and bonding” because its magic begins before even we are born. The strength of mother-infant bonding after birth is predicted by the levels of oxytocin measured in pregnant mothers. As adults, we might not readily realize how much we judge our social relationships based on our oxytocin’s levels. Research has shown increased levels of this hormone give rise to feelings of trust and connectedness that also promote the ability to feel warmth and compassion for ourselves as well as others.    


Oxytocin overrides stress!


It counteracts the increased blood pressure and elevated cortisol due to stress; as a result it reduces emotions associated with anxiety and fear. When you are feeling frustrated at the airport security check or feeling timid at a party (because there is no alcohol), it is because anxiety and relaxation cannot coexist in the same moment (for any of us), and their chemical arsenals in the brain never overlap, rather counteract one another.


Researchers at the Multidisciplinary Association of Psychedelic Studies (known as MAPS) investigate psychedelic-assisted psychotherapy for the treatment of mood and trauma disorders. Their research has shown that MDMA (also known as the drug party Ecstasy) simulates the actions of oxytocin to quickly and effectively reduce or eliminate persistent anxiety disorders. Again, there is evidence for activation of same brain regions that aside from feeling calm and compassionate, Oxytocin in prefrontal cortex enables us to accept our differences through empathy for self and others. Through drugs or positive practice, there are noteworthy implications here for our mind-body health outcomes in time. For example, practicing relaxation techniques coupled with self-kindness successfully neutralize emotions associated with anxiety and fear. Now, Xanax does the same thing but with unwanted short- and long-term side effects.   


The pharmacy of self-criticism 


The experience of physical and emotional attacks influences the oldest part of our brain: the amygdala in the limbic system, an almond-shaped structure responsible for the emotional processing of our experiences. Mammalian evolution celebrates its selection of the amygdala's protective function to search for threats in the environment; and so to mobilize our body to protect itself. As the fight-or-flight response is triggered, the amygdala sends signals that raise the blood pressure along with the blood levels of adrenaline and the stress hormone cortisol. This activates the body’s energy systems to quickly confront or avoid a threat. unnecessary activation leads to feelings of depletion and exhaustion. Fortunately, this can be reversed to restore well-being.    

Research has also identified different parts of the brain involved in processing the signals produced by two conditions of self-criticism and self-reassurance. In one study, participants were asked to choose their reaction to a job rejection letter for the third time in a row in either a reassuring or a self-critical way. The group of participants who focused on personal setbacks engaged in self-criticism and experienced activation of the lateral prefrontal cortex and dorsal anterior cingulate. These brain regions are also responsible for processing errors and solving problems. Participants who showed understanding toward themselves, on the other hand, activated left temporal pole and insula, which are areas of the brain associated with processing positive emotions and loving kindness. One implication signifies the long-lasting advice that we function significantly better when we approach ourselves with affection as valuable human beings who are worthy of love, instead of seeing ourselves as a problem to be fixed.


Today's problem & Solution


Our life experience in this day and age has changed tremendously. Yet, our brains process threats and kindness similar to how it did thousands of years ago. The experience of warmth and tender care towards yourself changes your body as well as your brain. Self-love offers us the calm and secure inside sanctuary where we no longer function from a place of fear. Once we relate to ourselves with greater self-understanding we can see through the ego-serving distortions of reality better - and to approach dreams with the essential confidence to actually achieve them.  

How often do you give yourself a long hug after a mistake or failure?

ps., please pardon any errors you find in this post. today I honor my thoughts that want to just rush out and lay on the keyboard. 

Dr. Hessam

A conversation to define self-love in our daily life

At the end of our talk we had decided that love is
overstated but underrated among modern humans.

Talk to love...

I am sipping my favorite honey ginger lemon tea listening to Jesse Cook's soulful music on Thursday evening. I will share a useful conversation that I had with another therapist. She said she believed anyone who says love is overrated hasn’t experienced true love and added: “love needs an object to manifest itself.” As we sipped our tea, she made me think of history filled with expressions of love and devotion for something or someone worthy of it – be it love for one’s nation, God or gods, or the scent of the beloved.

We both agreed love expressions are widespread. We say love and hate quite frequently, many times to express our personal opinions about transient and mundane matters. We have understood from the intricacies of romance that love also has a direction and can increase or decrease in intensity according to how we relate to each other. Common in all expressions, however, love appears to be found in our actions: we do something when we love. So, we agreed self-love is viewed in terms of action(s) taken towards the self.

As in the beginning there was the word, we felt compelled to look at the language of self-love in day-to-day expressions in English, Farsi and Spanish. We found love can be a verb, subject, object or an adjective. To connect them, I offered self is a unique experience of awareness that the person or thinker has through which he recognizes his existence in a particular physical form and psychological state, both appearing in a particular moment and at the same time. Insofar we thought, self-love is an experience that originates from and returns to one's self.

Common social directives – such as "you have to love yourself more," "if he only loved himself, this wouldn't have happened to him," or "you can't love another person until you love yourself first" – point to an action that can only be taken by a person towards (and not necessarily only for) herself in order to achieve more living fulfillment. Self-love, hence, is an action-inspired state of awareness that is also responsible for self-generated desirable experiences of an autonomous person. Indeed we help create our own mental states through our actions. 

We lastly spoke about another definition of self-love that is only understood with an open mind and so not to be mistaken by the entirely separate inquiry – how do I love my “self?” I think self-love is a state of conscious positive regard for oneself that stems from actions that uphold growth in all dimensions of human experience – be it of personal, interpersonal or spiritual nature. In this way, self-love actions are dynamic: actions that mature us despite our limiting beliefs are many and the opportunities are tremendous. In a world where positive initiatives of love are at times only minimally appreciated by others, self-deceiving clichés such as “I have no time for that” are reinforced to strip us of our attention to self.   

Perhaps, self-love is best understood through its impact on our life. It’s when we begin to accept much better our weaknesses as well as our strengths that we feel less need to explain, conceal or distort our shortcomings. It is through cultivating compassion for our own humanness struggling to find personal meaning that we become more centered in our life purpose and values. Proclaiming his religion to be love, the mystique poet, Rumi, urged not to merely seek love but to remove the barriers that we have built against it. Perhaps our task in the domain of love is to expect living fulfillment through our own efforts and our own efforts only. 

In the next self love biweekly, I will introduce the triangle of self-love. Thanks for sharing your time here! To maintain confidentiality rights, I welcome you to share how you define self-love for yourself through direct messaging me. 

May all be affected by the power of self-love! 

Dr. Hessam